Should You Express Your Anger?
How? When?
Answer: To express your concerns and resolve them.

Question: Do I need to express my anger to get over it?

If this is the most puzzling question about anger, it is because expressing anger sometimes reduces your anger and sometimes makes it worse. Here is why:

Look at what triggers your anger. You see yourself as being in some way mistreated and wronged, and you feel justified therefore in doing something about it.

Suppose you are waiting patiently in line at the post office, and some fellow slides in front of you as if he were blithely unaware of your existence. You are irritated. You say, "Pardon me, but the line forms at the end." Suppose that he replies, "Oh, I am so sorry, I was in too much of a hurry," and he steps to the back of the line. Chances are that your anger subsides, and you feel just great about your courageous comment. But on the other hand, suppose that the fellow looks away and pretends he does not hear you. In that case, you are furious. Not only has he cut ahead of you, but he now has you feeling ignored and totally insignificant as well.

Rule 1:
Expressing your anger helps when it corrects the wrongs that are making you angry, but not when the wrongs continue or even worsen.

Suppose your significant other is unusually quiet over supper, and you wonder if he is bored with you or wishes he were somewhere else. You chide him for not being more involved. Suppose he replies that his best friend at work was just fired, and he is upset about it. You can now see that his reserve means something entirely different than you thought, and you are over your anger. On the other hand, suppose he tells you "honk off" and leave him alone, with no further explanation. You become even angrier, as well you might.

Rule 2:
Talking about angry feelings helps when you clarify the situation and see that you are not being wronged after all, but not when your sense of being wronged remains.

Your workaholic husband has not phoned you, and he is late for supper again. You kept the roast hot in the oven and it burned, and by now, you are hot as well. Suppose you hurl your full fury at him, and he apologizes, as usual. Do you think he is going to have the courage to call you the next time he is going to be late? On the other hand, suppose you understand about his job responsibilities, and appreciate his hard work, but then show him the burnt roast and ask him to phone home so you know when to plan dinner. Which do you think is more apt to get the telephone to ring the next time he will be late?

Rule 3:
Stating your concerns usually works best when you do it in a considerate and understanding manner, but is more apt to provoke opposition when you express yourself angrily.

Have you ever noticed that most arguments are at least 98% arguing, and only 2% listening? Instead of listening when your opponent is speaking, and trying to understand, you are working on your own rejoinder and getting ready to fire it back at the first opening. So at the end of the argument you feel even more convinced by your own justifications, and less inclined to consider the other side.

Rule 4:
In the midst of an argument, trying to understand your opponent can reduce your anger, whereas single-minded concern for your own justifications only increases your sense of being wronged.

"You never talk to me!" "Yea? And you always nag at me!" We have all heard the advice to avoid using the "never" and "always" words in an argument, and yet we sprinkle them in anyway. Here is why: Anger often expresses itself as an accusation against whoever wronged you. Naturally, anger wants to hurl as strong an accusation as possible. So the "never" and "always" words exaggerate the offense and place it in the worst possible light.

Unfortunately, when we overstate our case, we tend to believe our own exaggerations. So we feel more deeply wronged, and get even angrier. On the opposite side, not surprisingly, those who we so carelessly accuse feel maligned and wronged themselves, and are little inclined to cooperate with us.

Rule 5:
State your own concerns carefully and fairly. Overblown accusations leave you believing your own propaganda, and angrier than ever.

Imagine you are really angry at someone, and step into the feelings. Be aware of how you have been wronged, and feel justified in being angry. Yet in the moment, caught up in your angry, you have no sense of how much you anger can hurt someone. And this is perhaps the weirdest feature of anger. We all know how much anger hurts us, when it flies our way. But at the moment we unleash our own anger, who ever considers how much harm we do to those we claim to love?

When you are angry, your concern for whoever wronged you vanishes; and when your concern returns, your anger subsides. Empathic concern and angry justifications do not together dwell in the same heart.

Rule 6:
Anything you can do to forgive past wrongs and to open your heart to friends and family is apt to reduce your anger.

How can anger seem so justified one moment and so right, but then so regrettably wrong an hour later after you cool off. And how can anger seem so totally justified to the angry individual, and yet so unjustified and hurtful to those on the receiving end of it? I offer a last reminder:

Be careful with your anger. The more justified and righteous your anger feels to you at the moment, the more surely it will lead you astray.

Remember: You can never get enough of what you don’t need anyway to make yourself happy!